No credits for this one.
I...am going through a personal crisis? Not an identity crisis but that's the first thing I could think of. I lie awake and I question everything about myself until I end up questioning if I even exist. Not if I deserve to. But if I do.
I feel emotions like joy, love, caring. I know I am loved, I know I am cared about and I know people want me around. But why? I'll stop in the middle of everything and realise I don't deserve the beautiful and amazing soul's I have come to know. Who bring out a side of me that I never knew could existed. I care about them and want the best for them, I will fight anyone willing to destroy that. Growing up I slowly believed I wasn't deserving of this. I had it slowly drilled into me that I was the cause of everyone's suffering around me and I just needed to avoid everyone so no one was ever hurt.
I was taught I am someone who pain comes from. Not love. I was taught that I was a monster from such a young age.
Alot of the time I still believe it, I don't want to but I do. I don't want to hurt people and I'm so scared about hurting them that the idea is always there. What if I fuck this up. What if I ruin everything. What if I end up all alone.
I cling to everything that hurts. Thinking I'm protecting everyone else around me but instead I just hurt myself more and more and more. They weren't in danger from me but I still do it. They still stay by my side and show me love and caring and they talk me through whatever I need talking through.
I don't feel like I deserve them but I know I do at the same time and it's like two different people are screaming inside of me while a third just yells that the whole thing inconveniences them. They have better things to do than deal with you.
I feel like I'm just there. But I have this whole life where people want to be around me, spend time with me, talk to me. And not just because they're forced to.
I'm probably repeating myself alot but it's 9am and I haven't been sleeping. I'm too scared to, it keeps me up and I'll be stuck in silence hearing everything on repeat. I cling tighter and tighter trying to hold in everything that hurts until it starts to kill me from the inside and I can't take it anymore. I just wish all of me could accept people's love.
Sorry if this was too much of a rant. But this needed to be written, I poured my soul tonight into this photo and I didn't want to just leave it to be another photo.
If you did read it, thank you. I hope you have a beautiful day and if you go through the same as me I hope you too can accept with all your heart that you ARE loved. We all have our own battles and we might not have physical scars but the mental ones last so much longer.
- P.Middleton
Flickr - https://flic.kr/p/2hrqW6c
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